A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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