i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
