tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
