My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
