I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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