I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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