checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
