I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
