making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
