the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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