I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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