I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
