I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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