I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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