Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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