I wish you could order shots online.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
