o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Can you bring me the toilet please
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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