just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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