So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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