Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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