i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
