Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
