It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
