god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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