8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
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i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
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Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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