Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
