shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
