We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
