Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Michael Bay diarrhea
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
