I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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