if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
