I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
