I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
