So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
