He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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