Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
