Welp...herpes.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
