They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
whose ass print is on the piano?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
