Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
