you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
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My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
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Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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