It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
