R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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