Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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