my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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