why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
