I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
