Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
