I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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