you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
