This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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