I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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