Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
