i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
