Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
