I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
